I’ve been in 2 minds about posting this, but as I post about wellness as well as skincare and also because it’s mental health awareness week I thought it was too important not to share.
My baby Luke would be 15 now had he survived, he’s named after my brother Luke who unfortunately has passed on too.
I was just 27 and it was a regular straightforward uncomplicated, pregnancy just like my previous two. I began labour spontaneously on the 29th of January 04.
I was in great spirits, and excited for my baby’s arrival, just like any mum, but nothing could have prepared me for the events that were about to unfold….
There was a cascade of negligence, later at a hearing at “An Bord Altranais” my carers would be found guilty of a shocking 24 out of 25 counts of negligence, starting with not being checked before being given an epidural when I was 9cm dilated. Others included, no doctor being informed of my progress despite being a high risk patient due to a previous c section, and failure to diagnose failure to progress amongst many, many others.
Though I had my doubts about how long the whole process was taking, as I was fully dilated at 9 o clock and he wasn’t delivered until after 3, I put my trust in my healthcare professionals 100% as they were after all, the experts. My mother phoned my then husband at 12, concerned that after 3 hours of being fully dilated my baby wasn’t born yet. She was so concerned she considered driving down to the hospital herself and to this day regrets that she didn’t. My ex husband reassured her that the monitors were fine ( later independent analysis would later show they WEREN’T)
Not surprisingly shortly after 3, my baby went into severe distress but a doctor wasn’t called until 20 minutes later. I can still hear Lukes painfully slow heartbeat, and that sound will forever haunt me. I heard the doctor berate the midwives for not calling him sooner. Despite his best efforts, it was too late.
Due to all this, Luke was severely deprived of oxygen and was clinically born dead. They revived him, as is the law, as once you get a heartbeat, you are obliged to keep them alive with the aid of a ventilator.
He was transferred to another hospital, where he struggled on for a week, but we lived in hope even though he displayed no positive signs. Finally we were told we’d have to make the awful decision to turn off his life support. That night when I went to bed I pleaded with my late brother to let him go naturally as I knew I’d never be able to make the decision to end his life.
In the middle of the night we were awoken by the nursing staff to say that he was taking his final breaths. Though it was devastating, I was so relieved that I didn’t have to make the decision, as I’d never have forgiven myself. My brother had listened to my pleas! Luke giving up naturally was the best possible outcome in a worst nightmare situation.
I held him close, finally free from all the wires, sobbed my heart out and after a few heartbreaking gasps he passed on. This was the first and last time I ever heard his little voice.
We waked him at home and held on to him for as long as possible before burial, as we knew we’d never have this precious time with him again and wanted to memorise everything about him. Quite fittingly, he was buried on the most loving day of the year, Valentine’s Day.
Counselling was suggested but what I found most helpful was meeting other mothers who’d suffered similar losses.
I found out that there’s always worse, as one woman I met lost her womb as well as her baby, so I’m very grateful that I’ve my rainbow baby Pádraig, who made me smile again.
Medication was suggested too, but as bad as it was, I did not want to block the pain, I wanted to feel every bit of it as only then would I be healed. I cried constantly, even waking myself up in the night sobbing, but I truly believe that all the grief was washed away with each tear and is why I am healed today.
Though Padraig will never replace baby Luke, my aching arms were full again and he filled that empty void and gave me reason to live again.
I hope that by sharing this it might have helped some of you who’ve been through similar losses and also make it a less taboo subject. 1 in every 4 pregnancies are lost, be it through miscarriage, stillbirth, an abnormality or negligence like Luke. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for negligence and it happens far too often, you only have to open a newspaper any day to read other similar cases.
I also hope it will give you the strength to ask questions, when you’re in labour, if you feel something is not right. It is only human to make mistakes and the vast majority of doctors and midwives do sterling jobs, but this is the one area where there’s no room for mistakes, as it’s human life we are talking about!
I know my caregivers did not go out to cause what happened that fateful night and I have long since forgiven them and made my peace with their actions. This was more for my own sake as the anger inside was slowly killing me, but anger is also part of the many stages of grief that we must go through in order to come out the other side.
The whole experience made me the strong woman I’m proud to be today, as if I can survive this, I know I can survive ANYTHING and NOTHING I mean NOTHING fazes me anymore.
I’m also very proud of the fact that I took on my caregivers and won, even when they tried to appeal the decision in the high court, the evidence was so overwhelming no judge would overturn it.
I didn’t do it for financial reasons, I did it for justice for Luke. I knew I could never bring him back, so the least I could do was get justice for him, and that I did.
To properly prepare myself for the grilling I was about to receive, from the 10 people sitting on the nursing board, my caregivers, their advisors and solicitors I devoured obstetrical books to fully inform myself so I’d know exactly what was being discussed. During the enquiry I was even asked had I a medical background so mission accomplished!
I thanked my solicitor after, who I might add, was employed by the nursing board and he said ” don’t thank me, thank yourself, you won this case, all by yourself” So Luke whenever you are, I hope you’re proud of me and the fight I put up to get justice for you, my precious baby boy!
Until we meet again…..
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